he finally said those 3 words, to which my reaction was unexpected. i rehearsed for that moment. i thought i am gonna cry but instead i see "the end". in that instant, i question myself should there be a love song running in the background?
"the end". meaning the end of the fantasy, the end of the unknown. it's official.
he said it but i did not say it back instantly.
he also said about only death will keep me away from you. this has been said to me!!! in which i ended that relationship. premonition?
then i doubted myself if i really love him or am i just in love with love? did i fall out of love the moment he said it to me?
i became distant, bratty at times, retreating into my shell. not doing things to out of the ordinary for him. i became self-centered. i take and receive without giving back. i was entirely different. 180 degree turn.
at one time, i wanted to break it off. but didn't have the courage to do it. what was the basis? no chance of me winning the argument as it will all be bullshit.
several days went by trying to pretend that things were ok as i struggle to get through the day.
-- oOo --
as i met my CSA batchmates for dinner, one of them met him. her first impression was he was more into me than i. i thought it is a good thing. he is smitten and i am secured.
as the night progresses, i told her about how we met and told her about what i was feeling toward him.
and then she told me that the reason why i became like this is that what was the fantasy has now become a reality. 90% of my brain is focused on the fantasy. i did not prepare for that moment.
so reality hit me and my head started to spin with what was happening around me. got introduced to his childhood friend and his girlfriend. his cousin, brother, sister-in-law and nieces.
she was spot on. things i'm looking forward to were dumped at me in an instant. it came pretty fast. now i understand.
-- oOo --
so now, i can say we are a normal couple having this relationship long distance since the start of 2010. saying "i love you" is now easier for me to say to him. i love him, and he loves me.
he says: "know that i love you, ok?". he also says he thanks God.
as we said goodbye to each other, i cried the second time. he cried. it was the first time i see him cry.
this love is genuine. i am thankful that i have found my person.
i.love.you.
-- oOo --
it's not all bed of roses. he annoys me with his frankness when you seek empathy. i hate it!
but then, i'm in for the long haul.
2 comments:
1. You sound scared, I think that's why you went self-destructive.
2. This fantasy-reality mix up, I've seen you do it before. I don't think it landed you where you wanted back then. Are you going to let it happen again?
you're not a princess. it's not all bed of roses. that's the truth. before I made a committed relationship, I asked my partner if he was willing to WORK on the relationship. i made sure i emphasized the word WORK. and it takes a lot of work.
Real relationships that work takes a lot, i mean a LOT of work. And not just day dreaming.
Muah!
PS. Sabi ni Allan, maarte ka gurl. Greek na yan, aarte-arte ka pa. Hehehe.
1. eto yung nasa isip ko nung time na yun: "Eto na. Totoo na ito. Hala, lagot!!!"
2. no, i'm not gonna let it happen again. i will stick it out. eto na - in a good way. tama na yung nararamdaman ko. wala ng reklamo ako nakukuwento sa mga kaibigan ko, puro maganda. kung baga sa 3 linggo ko kasama sya, wala akong nakitang mali. my perfect match, perhaps?
haha!! natawa ako sobra sa comment ni Allan. maarte nga talaga ako. :)
nakikinig naman ako sa mga taong nagpapaayo. yung may mabuting intensyon para sa akin. tulad mo.
oist, kita tayo uli. miss na kita.
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