logged this in my work notebook:
depressed 9/7/2010
depressed 9/9/2010
yes, i have been feeling melancholic these days. part of which probably for the past month my routine was home-work-a few times gym-home. day in and day out. not much interaction with friends, hence the sudden drop on the happiness scale.
i used to be a loner when i was in grade 4. the friends i used to have back then turned their backs on me. i no longer remember what the reason behind it. there i have experienced eating lunch everyday all by my lonesome self. that was bad when you're young. no friends. definitely an outsider.
but as i got older, like 30's old, i've grown comfortable being by my lonesome self. but doing it for several weeks straight is a bit depressing. i need the balance of surrounding myself with friends and being in my own world. as my nugget says, you'll get crazy.
another reason contributed to this state of unhappiness was what my brother and sister did to me and my friend. furious is what i feel against my siblings. because of what they did, it seems that my friendship department seems to be on a hot plate.
so i feel i am a loner again. both on the friends side and on the family side which the latter i felt eversince i can remember it. hell, i never feel i have a family growing up. sure, i had a mom, a dad, 2 brothers and 3 sisters. this is how i see myself with them. all by myself.
that's me on the right
i know it is not healthy to dwell on the past nor sulking but sometime you cannot help it. my only way to cope this is to write it here hoping that through writing, i throw some of the negative vibes to the universe.
it often enters my mind that i do have to consult a psychiatrist just to help fix myself and to understand what is the root cause of the problem. funny, my sister is a psychiatrist but i cannot trust my siblings anymore. i even researched on medications, st. john's wort, took online tests to determine if indeed i am clinically depressed and more. that's how i really feel down to my core. desperate. anxious. alone. empty. void.
so i guess, this sums up the reason why i cry easily at scenes in the movies where love abound. i want to have that.
if i can only choose my family the same way i can choose my friends.
